Black Infinity

You know you’re dying when you’re in a bathtub full of blood water. Water turns from being transparent to translucent. You don’t know what pains more anymore. Do you wish you could get up? Or would you want to be rescued? Rather, I’d die in this red, little pool that occupies my body completely. It’s like adding color to the canvas of my black and white life. It would paint a beautiful picture in the minds of many.

My head pains sometimes. Actually, it pains most of the times. It is like an irritating alarm I can’t put to snooze no matter how hard I try. People walk in day in and day out. I tell them that I’m doing just fine.

Dreams have been rude to me too. Life is not as easy as it seems. Death could be better. It repeats again. I can’t fall off to sleep now.

My head pains sometimes. Actually, it pains most of the times. It is like an irritating alarm I can’t put to snooze no matter how hard I try. People walk in day in and day out. I tell them that I’m doing just fine.

You know you’re dying when you’re in a bathtub full of blood water. Water turns from being transparent to translucent. You don’t know what pains more anymore. I am going to go deep this time. I bang my head hard against the tub and pause my breath and sink in deeper. My eyes are turning red and the water gets redder. I can see clearly now. Blood is oozing like how smoke would, from a burnt joint, My black nails look beautiful under water for some reason. I can see shadows of the people I lost. I can see shadows of the ones who died. I can see shadows of alive people who I lost. I can see them and they can see me. But, I can’t touch them. The closer my finger moves towards them, their red shadow gets redder and blood oozes out even more.

This is my second time here. This is the second time someone has found me. I am rescued out of force. I’m woken up from a dream, I was taken off from my bath tub earlier today. I can’t use it anymore. I can only shower with drops of water falling from above like the rain from heaven. The more I discover, the more I’m taken away from my discovery. This all began when I started spilling my secrets, my dreams and blood nightmares. It’s tough to be who you are when, the world wants you to be who they want to see you be. It’s tough. But, what in life isn’t? When I rejected to take anti depressants and sleeping pills, I was injected.

Now, I take them whole-heartedly keeping myself not alive but awake. Not a word or a whisper to a known or unknown human face. By God’s grace, I have survived.

My head pains sometimes. Actually, it pains most of the times. It is like an irritating alarm I can’t put to snooze no matter how hard I try. People walk in day in and day out. I tell them that I’m doing just fine.

Today:

There’s no bathtub. There’s no blood. Visions, dreams and hallucinations are a thought away. They’re home to me. I don’t feel myself alive if I don’t see myself there or if they don’t come to me here. I want to drown in a pool of thick, black liquid. I want to breathe calmly in there. I want my eyes to see blackness, I want to feel the blackness of the space around me. I want too see what happens to me. I want to lie there, float on it, be surrounded by an infinite black sky and space. I want to see where it takes me. I want to know what happens next. I want to camouflage with the black beauty. I want to dive in and I want to drown in it. I want to roll, fly or get sucked by it all. I want to live as a non-existent. I want to escape with my share of peace.

You know you’re dying when you’re in a bathtub full of blood water. Water turns from being transparent to translucent. You don’t know what pains more anymore. Do you wish you could get up? Or would you want to be rescued? Rather, I’d die in this red, little pool that occupies my body completely. It’s like adding color to the canvas of my black and white life. It would paint a beautiful picture in the minds of many.

There’s no blood left in me now. But, I find myself there again and I wonder if I painted myself black from within or it was them?

My head pains sometimes. Actually, it pains most of the times. It is like an irritating alarm I can’t put to snooze no matter how hard I try. People walk in day in and day out. I tell them that I’m doing just fine.