Letters From Vanshi – Acceptance

The waves hit the shore
Your thoughts live and die
My eyes hunt for your face
And the time passes by.

Your shadow walks along
Sand-hand clutches my fingers.
Moments turn into days,
And the feeling only lingers.

The waves keep hitting the shore.
Your thoughts living and dying.
Just as you bloom and wither within me,
Leaving a little wet in the eye.

Majha Kedar,

It is always good to see your arbitrary mails, when I least expect it. You still know your ways! After all these years, I still miss you, everyday. And when I see your name flashing across my mailbox, I feel very special.

Life has been kind in more than many ways. Although I have struggled to create happiness around me on many occasions, but I guess that’s how it is, a little unfair, a little demanding and a lot of surprising. I have grown old accepting the consequences of many of my mistakes, whether I blame it on destiny or my actions, the heart is still in commotion. It is better to take everyday as it unfolds.

Not much has changed since you left. All these years I have lived with the same feeling of wanting something more, something else, something more special! Even now I live in my memories, revisit the walks in Bengali market and nights on the terrace. Now no one calls me Nemo, Nemsu, Nimbu! When I get ready for the day and wait for a bear hug, I start my day disappointed. Well! It is not really bad or affecting the world peace, just my world still revolves around the little things you had brought me.

Do you remember when you came to Chhatarpur that morning with two pizza slices in your hand, when I had only mentioned it casually a night before! It just doesn’t happen anymore. We cook, eat and sleep, looking either into our mobile phones or into deep dark crevices of the heart to head to another day with unfulfilled expectations.

I didn’t know I would long for early morning teas before office with you. Did I ever tell you that I hated that tea preparation, but I loved to have it with you?

I don’t drink tea anymore. It tastes filthy now.

You always said that I brought a fresh fragrance in my hair, shine in the kohl-dipped eyes and warmth in my smile, Now, he complains of lack of aroma around me, I wonder was it me or was it you who made me feel so confident, so beautiful and so full of life.

Not much has changed, I still go to work, write endlessly, smile at people around and feel the shame of choosing this life over the other options. Just that now there is no one waiting for me to share the little nothings.

No one steals a chance to plant a peck on the cheek, no one looks me in the eye to smile and set himself in motion for the day. We are living a practical life of defined rights and wrongs. I wish we had met and sorted the question of living together when the timing was right. I wish I had never to write this letter to you!

Kedar, I want one evening of the same exuberance, of the same love and of the same songs we sung together.

But then coming back to life, I accept what is there today, and hope to hear you calling me Nemo again.
Forever yours
Vanshi.

***

I knew Vanshi was here at Pondicherry, Ananya had told me last Sunday. Apparently, Vanshi and I were not in touch, but somehow I had always kept a tab on her, I called her at times, or got to know about her from a stray friend. There was a time when I was running away from her, but now I just wanted to see her and let her know that she mattered.

As soon as I landed at Chennai airport, I messaged her asking if she was still there. She replied, “Yes I am, don’t tell me you just saw me here!” She seemed excited. I confessed that Ananya was the source of information. I knew she was holidaying here with her husband, but I just wanted to see her. I knew she must have aged just the way I had. I so wanted to see her.

I asked her if we can catch up over a coffee or a beer, she declined the offer. She had her reasons, undeniably right. She told me that she was at Paradise beach, and I was just heading in the same direction, thinking of settling for a glimpse of her.

I asked Pathik to drive faster and Shrenik to put on Eddie Veddar on the music system, this was a ride to remember! The day was sunny and I was anticipating a meeting, some scared, some thrilled, I wanted it to be a beautiful evening.

Stepping onto the beach sand with bare feet transfers one to a new world, I was jubilant and high of excitement. Walking along the beach line, with water coming, touching my feet, taking the sand away from under it and rushing back to its origin. The sun was setting and the sky was miraculously crimson. Just as I sat down on a sun-bed did I notice a timid girl sitting at a distance from me, her countenance astonishingly resembled Vanshi’s and she was staring right into the horizon. I started thinking of my Vanshi and her apprehensions of seeing me after so many years. What emotions could we possibly share? Excitement? Anxiety? Happiness? I think, a mix of all!

I realized that this was not the right time and place to meet her, that there are certain things, some meetings which should be left incomplete. That is what makes them a masterpiece.

(This story is in continuation of the previous story titled as Vanshi – Coming Back To Life).