The Half Nightmare

“Evil. Pure Evil!”

Humans and dogs. Who is the better one? Animals or Humans? When, humans are social animals and dogs are social (animals) too, who would you choose? It’s not that tough a choice or is it?

I see blood oozing out of the dog’s skin. His skin is torn. A (hu)man and a dog are having a cat fight. The (hu)man scrapes the dog’s skin as skillfully as a chef would slice thin potato strips for frying potato chips. Delicately, the skin is clawed, torn and made to bleed. Blood count increases out of the dog’s body and the ground takes the time to absorb his thick blood. They’re moving in circles and the dog claws back too and makes the fat (hu)man skin bleed. Drops of blood make it to a red little puddle! Something has to progress with time, be it the good things or the bad. That’s life. And, this puddle of blood made its way to being a pool. Flesh is sliced turn by turn and blood oozes out that way too. The dog doesn’t bark or bite and the (hu)man doesn’t use any weapon either. It is a blood play and not a lovely sight to watch. I know both of them and I can see everything clearly. My eyes hurt, but I can’t see myself. I can see what I see and know that I am present here, but I can’t see myself. So, I can’t do anything to stop it and probably, no one can see me here too. I also don’t know if I will stop it if I could see myself here.

–

I can see him. He and I are together. We’re holding hands again. He holds my hand in a way that tells me he never wants to let go of me. Our fingers intertwine each other’s, he is taller to me so his hands are longer than mine and, when we started holding hands it felt a little awkward. But, it’s been the most comforting and promising gesture of us together. And, the way he holds me by my waist and gets me closer to him, putting his chin over my head and wrapping his arms around me like I’m his favorite makes me feel safe. It makes me feel I can count on him. But, this time things were just getting better. He said the words he wouldn’t have, he said he wanted to take things slow but I didn’t know he was going to say it. I thought I’ll have to wait and wait. And, just like that the wait was over. He said, “I love you. I really do.”

–

I smiled at that moment. I was in tears. I don’t know why did I cry, I don’t know whether it was torn of joy or something else altogether. I don’t remember much of that, but I remember not saying it back. Something in me made me happy and sad about my life at the same time. And I wrote to myself in my diary,

“I’m in love with today. I’m in love with this morning because I saw you last night in my dreams.”

And, then I told him that too. I told him I saw us together in my dream the last night and that I was really happy. He smiled and I smiled too.

–

There is blood again. I can see myself this time. Something has gone wrong. The earlier dream was stained with blood and fallen flesh of a dog and a (hu)man I knew. But, this time it is all me. The knife is moving on its own, it slices my chest delicately. The knife scrapes my skin as skillfully as a chef would slice thin potato strips for frying potato chips. Delicately, my skin is clawed, torn and made to bleed. Blood count increases out of my body and the ground takes the time to absorb my thick blood. My chest is cut open and my heart bleeds. Drops of blood make it to a red little puddle! Something has to progress with time, be it the good things or the bad. That’s life. And, this puddle of blood made its way to being a pool. Flesh is sliced turn by turn and blood oozes out that way too. There’s a hole now. My chest is hollow. My heart is losing its flesh too and blood is draining out. It is a blood play and not a lovely sight to watch. My eyes hurt more because I can see myself. I can see what I see and know that I am present here but I can’t see who holds the knife. So, I can’t do anything to stop it and probably, no one can see me here like this too. I also don’t know if I will stop this person if I can see who’s holding the knife here.

I don’t know what hurts more, whether it’s the physical pain that I’m being put through or the fact that someone wants to slice my heart out and make it bleed. The pain within me reaches to a level where I can’t decide if I ever want to see this person.

–

I got up. I couldn’t sleep. I can’t sleep. The inside of me is tearing apart. I feel like I’m having a volcanic eruption in my head, I’m hearing voices of my bones breaking and flesh tearing. This half nightmare is killing me. And, then I tell myself that he still loves me in spite of the nightmares I have. I’m trying to remember how safe I’ve felt around him. I’m going to feel that feeling again and put myself to bed.

–

(The morning that follows:)

“I was just thinking about stuff. Things are making me think stuff… You aren’t happy with me. And, I can’t do better than this. I think you should leave me. Maybe, now is not a good time for me to be in a relationship. I’ve tried hard to stick around and something or the other doesn’t let me.”

After that message,

Something in me made me happy and sad about my life at the same time. And next to the empty space where I had written to myself in my diary,

“I’m in love with today. I’m in love with this morning because I saw you last night in my dreams.”

I added two words, “Just kidding.”

Now that I can relate my nightmares to reality, I wish I could keep my half nightmare because the whole of it killed me and I’m still alive.