I miss you. But I don’t want you anymore!

These days I sit solemnly or with a book. I am quite active on social media. I even want to stalk you, but I don’t really wish to meet you or even talk to you. You have wrecked my feelings. I have retreated to my shell and perhaps, it will take a lot out of me to come to fore once again.

I understand that there wasn’t a thing wrong that we did. Not “a thing”. But many things. But I would fight them all. For YOU.

There were rules laid down by our patriarchal society that I was ready to battle, just for you. Because I have overcome with my emotions and I just let them flow presuming that if I took a jump from a cliff, you will be standing below to hold me. Maybe that’s why they call it falling in love, isn’t it? You fall in love, never have you risen.

One thing I know today is that love is the most beautiful lie known to mankind, well, told to mankind.

My emotions have given way to these philosophical thoughts, you see. And considering that books are my muse these days, it ought to happen. From what we had and what we were to what we have become today, it all has totally changed. I wish I hadn’t ever attempted to confess my feelings.

You asked me out. We dated. We were in love. Wedding bells were due. Fair.

And then…

You and your “friendships” you lied about, the insults you flung at me while in a relationship, you belittling me before your friends and lying to them about me, you NEVER being there when I needed you the most and you being selfish and all over yourself, holding your dreams and ambitions to the highest priority and taking me for granted all the fricking time, you never taking a stand for me, NOT FAIR.

As a lady, I wished not for you to be there 24*7, but be there when it mattered, when I failed in life or when grandpa died.

As a lady, I wished for you to tear the person’s opinions apart, the one who belittled me, instead you were hanging around with the ones who did and making a joke of me among them.

As a lady, I wished for you to hear me out when my life is a mess, I don’t need solutions but I need you to listen. You, keeping busy and calling me up after a week clearly wasn’t working.

As a lady, I wished not you don’t talk to other women but respecting my word for confessing that the other woman who likes you is inappropriate especially after she tried to insult me and create a rift between us.

As a lady, all I wanted from you is no things materialistic, only your smile after a tiring day, a tight hug on a testing, rainy day and a feeling that I have someone who cares.

As a lady, I tell you, tomorrow when we’d have a baby, I’d want a man who could stand by me when my body is aching with postpartum and not be away for years in the name of work commitments.

But then, I figured it was all too much to ask for!

No matter how hard I tried to stick around for all the years, I realised it’s who you are and who you will be, and THIS TIME, I’m not ready to be taken for granted, I’m not ready to be the only one sacrificing in the relationship, I’m not ready to be the only one understanding and holding it together and letting go of all the lies in the relationship.

I figured you’re not who I want. I want a man to be there, comfort me, be loyal, be honest in the eye, believe in me and most importantly, respect me.

As for you, yes, I miss you. But I don’t want you anymore!